The Best I Can Be

Here's my thought this evening. I received an email from a good friend today that really made me think about my role as a mother. I had (and still have) a big fear that I would be a crappy mom. I am still scared almost every day that I am failing, failing, failing! I cry often when I think about how my kids might feel towards me when they grow up. I guess by having kids I am taking the chance that one or two people may grow up hating me. All I can do is try my hardest each day. Many times my hardest isn't all that great, but I have to keep trying. Maybe they will still grow up to think I am a crappy mom. I think a lot of that has to do with the personality of the child, also. The most unfortunate thing about being a mother is that everything is your fault....for the rest of their lives. And I'm sure I will look back and think about all the crappy things I did as a mom and I will feel inadequate, but I will also know that I loved them and fed them and bathed them and read to them and taught them and held them and cried over them and prayed for them and fought for them and always, always wanted the best for them... basically just did my best to be the only mom I knew how to be. It's not like I got to practice a few times before becoming a mom for real. I just have to remind myself that I am the best mom they have....because I am the ONLY mom they have. Hopefully they can love me for what I am. :)

Pee-pee frenzy

My kids both had Gatorade today and have been making a lot of trips to the bathroom since then. Owen just walked by me on his way to the bathroom (thrid time in the past hour) and said "Why in the world do I have to pee again when I already went two times! Am I just going to pee like 50 times today? Next time I feel like I have to pee I'm just not going to!!! I'm sick of peeing"

Welcome to my world, son.

Then he was playing with his new rubik's cube and said "I'm taking my new game cube to Heaven with me because it's going to be in my hand when I die."

Speaking of heaven...yesterday he was looking at a picture of the tree of life and said "Is there still gonna be fruit on that tree when I make it to heaven? Cause I really want to try some."

Love him.

Confessions of a heartbroken Mommy

Hazel has been having a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep for the past couple of months. I don't know what is going on with her, but it is very easy to get frustrated and end up yelling or even spanking her at bedtime. It's the end of the day, we have been counting down the seconds until we could put the kids to bed...so it's infuriating to close their bedroom door, thinking it's all over, only to have Hazel get out of bed 5 more times asking for various things (go pee-pee, cold water, another hug, etc.) that she has already been given. We usually start out this ritual with patience, but after about an hour, we have both lost it. Then when she gets up in the middle of the night screaming and crying, it's so hard to be sympathetic.

Last night, I got up at about 3:30 to use the bathroom and saw a light shining under my bedroom door. I walked out to the living room and found this:

It broke my heart. She got up and didn't want to get yelled at, so she just turned on the lights and put herself back to sleep on the couch. I wonder if she is having nightmares or something! I am a horrible mommy!!!! I swooped her up (after taking her picture, of course) and hugged and kissed her. She mumbled "Cold water...cold water" as I carried her back to her bed and then sweetly looked at me and said "Goodnight, Mommy. I love you."

-sigh-

Owenisms

Here are just a few funny recent Owenisms...

1. Owen: I wish I was a grown-up so I could say when I would do stuff and where I could go.
Me: Yeah- that's pretty nice
......long pause.......
Owen: When I'm a grown-up, I will be able to spell really big words like "internet scheduling" and "the party starts now."


2. Me (on the phone with Meredith): "Can I tell you something really annoying about my K-I-D-S?"
Owen: "KIDS!"
Me (to Mere): "OK. I guess spelling things isn't going to work anymore."
Owen: "You can't use Pig-latin either, cause I know what you are saying in Pig-latin"


3. Owen: Dad...can we go to Plaquebusters?
.....pause where dad and i wonder how he came up with such a creative name for the dentist....
Me: What do you want to do there?
Owen: Get Shrek 3
Me: OH!!! Blockbuster!


4. Owen (taking a drink of water before laying down to sleep): What is this?!?! Bath water?!?
Pool water?!? This is nasty!


5. Owen (getting his teeth brushed with his new toothpaste from Santa): Gross! This toothpaste tastes like corn dip!


6. One night I was looking at baby pictures of Owen and Hazel and the kids joined me. We looked for a while and talked about how cute they were and then I asked Owen "Do you want Mommy to have another baby?" and he thought for a while before saying "I'd rather have a new cat." I said "Me too. I'm glad we are on the same page!"


7. Sniffing a page in their Pat the Bunny book, Owen said "That smells like dead grandmas"


8. Owen asked for a glass of water at unlce Chris and aunt Erin's house. When Erin brought it to him, he looked at it for a minute with a perplexed look and then said "I didn't need like 50 pieces of ice!"


9. Owen: Dad, Why can't everyone in the world be like me?



Hazel has some pretty cute moments too...

Mom: Hazel...I think you're precious.
Hazel (confused): I AM precious!

Car Update

Nathan picked his car up today. He had to pay $250 to take it off the lot. The gun was gone. The stereo was gutted. His Forest Gump license plate was gone (oh darn). They left all kinds of goodies in the car (roaches in the ashtray, gloves, a garage door opener, a genuine topaz ring, a diabetic kit, a makeup brush set, a half-eaten butterfinger, a ford manual....and much more!).
He was able to drive it home, but it was making all kinds of new noises and I am scared for him to continue driving it! It already desperately needed a tune-up and brake pads, and who knows what it needs now! We'll see what happens. :)

Civic Found

Just a quick post to let everyone know that Nathan's car was found. It is being held at a body shop (to which it was towed). They do not open again until Wednesday, so we will have to wait until then to see what kind of shape it's in! Nathan is pissed just thinking about seeing it stripped down and having to think about someone else being in it and driving it around and touching everything. He feels so violated! I will update later in the week when we find out more.

Bathroom Woes

I'm pretty sure every mom out there can relate to my topic today. Every time I go to the bathroom, I have this internal struggle about whether or not to lock the door. I think..."What if there is an emergency and the kids have to get to me??" Then I quickly run through the list of possible emergencies, and how I would deal with them from my position on the toilet (or in the shower). Too many times, I end up leaving the door unlocked because of that mental picture alone.

The problem is, my kids have this crazy radar that tells them when I have entered the bathroom. No matter where they are or what they are doing - not to mention how quietly I tiptoe to the bathroom and sneakily shut the door- they always know when I have entered that oh so alluring room. So as soon as I have settled on the pot (with Ellen book in hand) for some private time, they run to the door and do one of two things. If the door is unlocked they throw it open and laugh and want to have a long talk about poop and the differences between our genitalia. If the door is locked, they throw themselves against it over and over, screaming as if they are being chased by a giant lizard (not Godzilla, though....think smaller and less famous...maybe Dorothy the dinosaur).

As if that isn't enough to ruin my mommy time, they get REALLY mad that I have locked that door. And by get mad I mean they get even. One time Hazel unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper and threw it all over the apartment. Another time she smeared poop all over their bathroom. Then there was the time they got my purse and ate every last piece of gum out of it and then stuck them in various places around the apartment for me to find later. OH! And I almost forgot the time Hazel used the toilet brush to dip in the toilet and clean various parts of the apartment. Sometimes, if their imagination is running low, they will just fill cups up with water and make puddles all over the carpet to play in.

You would think from these stories that I am in the bathroom for an insanely long time, but you're wrong! They just think fast. In fact, I think I am causing serious bowel issues by spending too little time in the bathroom. I guess I know why they refuse to even shut the door when they are using the restroom. They are probably just waiting for the day I decide to get even!

Maybe I could hang a bunch of candy from the ceiling just out of their reach.

No...that's not good enough. I will have to keep thinking.