Bathroom Woes

I'm pretty sure every mom out there can relate to my topic today. Every time I go to the bathroom, I have this internal struggle about whether or not to lock the door. I think..."What if there is an emergency and the kids have to get to me??" Then I quickly run through the list of possible emergencies, and how I would deal with them from my position on the toilet (or in the shower). Too many times, I end up leaving the door unlocked because of that mental picture alone.

The problem is, my kids have this crazy radar that tells them when I have entered the bathroom. No matter where they are or what they are doing - not to mention how quietly I tiptoe to the bathroom and sneakily shut the door- they always know when I have entered that oh so alluring room. So as soon as I have settled on the pot (with Ellen book in hand) for some private time, they run to the door and do one of two things. If the door is unlocked they throw it open and laugh and want to have a long talk about poop and the differences between our genitalia. If the door is locked, they throw themselves against it over and over, screaming as if they are being chased by a giant lizard (not Godzilla, though....think smaller and less famous...maybe Dorothy the dinosaur).

As if that isn't enough to ruin my mommy time, they get REALLY mad that I have locked that door. And by get mad I mean they get even. One time Hazel unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper and threw it all over the apartment. Another time she smeared poop all over their bathroom. Then there was the time they got my purse and ate every last piece of gum out of it and then stuck them in various places around the apartment for me to find later. OH! And I almost forgot the time Hazel used the toilet brush to dip in the toilet and clean various parts of the apartment. Sometimes, if their imagination is running low, they will just fill cups up with water and make puddles all over the carpet to play in.

You would think from these stories that I am in the bathroom for an insanely long time, but you're wrong! They just think fast. In fact, I think I am causing serious bowel issues by spending too little time in the bathroom. I guess I know why they refuse to even shut the door when they are using the restroom. They are probably just waiting for the day I decide to get even!

Maybe I could hang a bunch of candy from the ceiling just out of their reach.

No...that's not good enough. I will have to keep thinking.